Anchored

In the world of hurt, there are few things deeper than the betrayal of one’s closest friend. When a spouse commits adultery, the road back to marital health is a long and arduous one. There will be many days on that road when one or both partners will feel like quitting, so it’s always good to know that others have gone down the same path and survived.

I was meeting with one such couple this past week, and they told me about a blog where they had found some help and encouragement. I checked it out, and it really is a good resource. The blog (Refine Us) is written by Justin and Trisha Davis, a couple whose testimony includes their personal experience of restoration after Justin had a several month affair with a co-worker who also was Trisha’s best friend. Here is the Davis’s testimony, with some narration by one of Justin’s co-workers mixed in.

Jefferson Bethke is making quite a splash with his videos, catchy and sometimes provocative as they are, doing what he can to impact our world with his Christian poetic spoken word. Jefferson packs a lot into a little space on the subject of marriage. It’s well worth watching multiple times to absorb the message.

Here's an amazing video that demonstrates the intricacies of cell function. While the illustrator recognizes truth and beauty when he sees it, can you see the Designer of that truth and beauty? After all, what is the Source of all the information that powers and directs life within each cell? This is where the physical and the metaphysical meet. Simply put, science is extremely useful in its place but cannot answer all our deepest questions about life. I hope to comment on this more in the coming new year.

We all know what it’s like to bump into someone who has a great deal of ability and giftedness. Whether it’s physical or mental aptitude or strength of personality, those who possess a super-abundance of ability often inspire and amaze us. They compel us to look up to them and even follow them. It’s sometimes a challenge to not give them more admiration than we should.

There are people on the other end of the spectrum—people who are also made in God’s image and of equal value in God’s kingdom—who are not so gifted. The challenge in this case is not the lack of gifting (after all, God distributes the gifts as He chooses) but the person’s tendency to look inward and focus on the lack. One example in the Bible of a man who lacks confidence is Philip. I’ve really never thought much about Philip before (the Philip’s of this world are routinely overlooked), even though he’s one of the original apostles (i.e., he has a place in God’s kingdom and family). I stumbled across his path last week while reading in John’s gospel. John makes some passing remarks about Philip in chapter one, then here’s what one commentator has to say about Philip in particular:

Jesus himself seeks out Philip and calls him, the only disciple said in [John’s] Gospel to have been called by Jesus (John 1:43-51). In the previous section Jesus is not said to have done anything to draw Andrew and the others. They heard the Baptist’s words and followed or were brought by one another. Here Jesus takes the initiative. No reason is given for this, nor is there any explanation of how Jesus knew Philip. It is not even said where he found him. We are not told whether Philip was a disciple of John the Baptist, though this seems likely. Matthew, Mark, and Luke mention Philip in their lists of the apostles, but give no further information about him. John mentions him several times. Each time he seems somewhat out of his element, and it is probable that he was of limited ability. When the Greeks came to him asking to see Jesus he did not know what to do, and he had to consult with Andrew before bringing the men to Jesus (12:21-22). And it was Philip who asked Jesus in the upper room to show them the Father—that is all they ask! (14:8-9).

 

The fact that on this occasion [Philip] did not seek out Jesus, but Jesus went to find him may indicate some lack of initiative. If so it is encouraging to reflect that Jesus went out of his way to find this rather limited man and to enlist him in the apostolic band. Some of the apostles were undoubtedly men of great ability, but Philip compels us to realize that others were perfectly ordinary people. Jesus had (and has) use for such followers.

 

Are you such a follower? Just a “perfectly ordinary” person? Do you ever view yourself as someone with “limited ability”? Did you know that’s just fine?

Do you have regular, substantial conversations with your children? Is there an even-handed back-and-forth between you and your child? Are all topics related to life on the table and open for discussion? Do you “go there” with your kids? Do you intentionally and purposefully lead them there and finish up deeply connected with each other? In these conversations, do you regularly share your own sin and life struggles with your children? Do they hear you asking them for forgiveness when you sin against them or against someone they care about? Are you sharing enough of your personal life with them that they can see the real you? Mostly, are you integrating your relationship with Christ into your conversations with them? If these kinds of things are not typical of your parenting, you might wonder why.

Here is a good quote I came across at Justin Taylor’s blog, in which he’s quoting from the chapter, “The Freedom to Make Mistakes” in Tim Kimmel’s book, Grace-Based Parenting:

Legalistic parents maintain a relationship with God through obedience to a standard. The goal of this when it comes to their children is to keep sin from getting into their home. They do their best to create an environment that controls as many of the avenues as possible that sin could use to work its way into the inner sanctum. . . . It’s as though the power to sin or not to sin was somehow connected to their personal will power and resolve. . . . These families are preoccupied with keeping sin out by putting a fence between them and the world.

The difference with grace-based families is that they don’t bother spending much time putting fences up because they know full well that sin is already present and accounted for inside their family. To these types of parents, sin is not an action or an object that penetrates their defenses; it is a preexisting condition that permeates their being. The graceless home requires kids to be good and gets angry and punishes them when they are bad. The grace-based home assumes kids will struggle with sin and helps them learn how to tap into God’s power to help them get stronger.

It’s not that grace-based homes don’t take their children’s sin seriously. Nor is it that grace-based homes circumvent consequences. It isn’t even that grace-based homes do nothing to protect their children from attacks and temptations that threaten them from the outside. They do all these things, but not for the same reasons. Grace-based homes aren’t trusting in the moral safety of their home or the spiritual environment they’ve created to empower their children to resist sin. . . . They assume that sin is an ongoing dilemma that their children must constantly contend with.

[Children in a grace-based family] are accepted as sinners who desire to become more like Christ rather than be seen as nice Christian kids trying to maintain a good moral code. Grace is committed to bringing children up from their sin; legalism puts them on a high standard and works overtime to keep them from falling down.

Grace understands that the only real solution for our children’s sin is the work of Christ on their behalf. . . . Legalism uses outside forces to help children maintain their moral walk. Their strength is based on the environment they live in. Grace, on the other hand, sees the strength of children by what is inside them—more specifically, Who is inside them.

Important things are often difficult things. The first video below is difficult to watch as it recounts the dying days of 14 year-old Victor Watters. But it’s difficult for the right reasons: in this case, the video forces us to consider our biggest foe, death, and it challenges us to ask ourselves some hard questions about it. But don’t stop with the first video; watch the second one where you’ll see roughly twenty-four minutes of John Piper’s message at Victor’s funeral. It’s very rich–as important things often are.

Watch it for yourself. Watch it with your family (teens included!) and then discuss it.

Do you ever struggle with doubting parts of the Bible? Do you sometimes wonder about God’s work in your life? There are times when I have my own doubts, of various kinds, and it’s comforting to know that God does not condemn us when our faith is weak or being beaten upon. A helpful resource on the subject of doubt is, God in the Dark: The Assurance of Faith Beyond a Shadow of Doubt, by Os Guinness. Here are a few thoughts from the book to set the stage:

Many Christians have specific doubts, but that is not the deepest problem. Over and above specific doubts, they feel guilty and ashamed at having doubts at all and that is what torments their faith. They do not understand what doubt is. And that, however dangerous doubt may be, is not something to be ashamed of (pp. 22-23).

 

Doubt is not the opposite of faith, nor is it the same as unbelief. Doubt is a state of mind in suspension between faith and unbelief so that it is neither of them wholly and it is each only partly. This distinction is absolutely vital because it uncovers and deals with the first major misconception of doubt—the idea that we should be ashamed of doubting because doubt is a betrayal of faith and a surrender to unbelief. No misunderstanding causes more anxiety and brings such bondage to sensitive people in doubt.

 

The word unbelief is usually used of a willful refusal to believe or of a deliberate decision to disobey. So, while doubt is a state of suspension between faith and unbelief, unbelief is a state of mind that is closed against God, an attitude of heart that disobeys God as much as it disbelieves the truth. Unbelief is the consequence of a settled choice. Since it is a deliberate response to God’s truth, unbelief is definitely held to be responsible. There are times when the word unbelief is used in Scripture to describe the doubts of those who are definitely believers but only when they are at a stage of doubting that is rationally inexcusable and well on the way to becoming full-grown unbelief. Thus the ambiguity in the biblical use of unbelief is a sign of psychological astuteness and not of theological confusion (pp. 25-26).

 

When the father of the demoniac boy cried out to Jesus, ‘I believe, help my unbelief!’ he was condemning his own doubt as unbelief. But his words have become a doubter’s prayer for good reason. Jesus, who never responded to real unbelief, showed by answering his prayer and healing his son that he recognized it as doubt” (p. 27).

Each year more than 15 percent of adults and 21 percent of children visit mental-health professionals. In the United States today there are more than 40,000 psychiatrists, 65,000 family therapists, 125,000 psychologists, 10,000 psychoanalysts, and 150,000 social workers. And then there are art, music, recreational, drama, and dance therapists, transactional analysts, Jungian analysts, multicultural counselors, pastoral counselors, rehabilitation counselors, peer counselors, correction counselors, milieu therapists, reality therapists, existential therapists, Gestalt therapists, behavioral therapists cognitive therapists, photo therapists, poetry therapists, bibliotherapists, activity therapists, pharmacotherapists, remotivational therapists, [and] rational-emotive therapists (Eva Moskowitz, In Therapy We Trust: America’s Obsession with Self-Fulfillment, p. 6).

This data is now ten years old, and I assume that therapy is a growth industry. Surely the numbers of professional helpers is larger today than a decade ago. Ever wonder why?

I’ve just started reading a recently released book entitled, Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault. The book is divided into four sections (Intro., Part 1: Disgrace; Part 2: Grace Applied; Part 3: Grace Accomplished). I’ve only read through Part 1, with two chapters entitled, “What Is Sexual Assault?” and “What are the Effects of Sexual Assault?”.

The authors, Justin & Lindsey Holcomb, begin by using the biblical account of Tamar’s assault by her half-brother Amnon in 2 Samuel 13. The Holcombs write, “While we read that [Tamar] leaves crying, we are not specifically told where she goes. The image is one of Tamar wandering aimlessly, with her torn dress, wailing like one in mourning, publicly announcing her grief and her disgrace. The assault has reduced her to a state of aimless despair.” The authors then start connecting to contemporary examples and research and note that,

Most research on the differences between men and women in symptom expression suggests that women are generally more willing to acknowledge distress than men. However, male victims of sexual assault report significantly higher levels of distress than female victims on eight of the ten scales and equivalent levels on the remaining two scales. This suggests that sexual assault may be especially trauma-producing for men. This could be because of the sex-role violation associated with sexual assault within a society where men are expected to be strong, aggressive, and avoidant of any (even forced) sexual contact with other men. Sexual assault can be particularly destabilizing to the man’s sense of self and sexual identity. Perhaps this is why male victims appear to respond to assault-related distress by engaging in externalizing activities, tension reduction behavior, and dysfunctional sexual behavior.

In preparation for the central thought of the book, the authors then state, “What victims need are not self-produced positive statements but God’s statements about his response to their pain. How can you be rid of these dysfunctional emotions and their effects? How can you be rid of your disgrace? God’s grace to you dismantles the beliefs that give disgrace life. Grace re-creates what violence destroyed. Grace transforms and heals; and healing comes by hearing God’s statements to you, not speaking your own statements to yourself.”

Before purchasing the book, you may want to watch the interview below in which Justin is asked questions about the book he co-authored with his wife. (Note: the interview gets better the farther you get into it.)

If you’re anything like me, the older I get the more I sense and believe that I am at the mercy of Something or Someone. I am not directing my life; I am being directed. I am being sent, or led, on the great arc of a life trajectory, but I cannot foresee what tomorrow brings. The question is not so much, “What will I do tomorrow?” as “Will I accept what tomorrow brings?” Will it be a treasure or a tragedy? Quiet or conflicted? Smooth sailing or a train wreck? It most certainly will not be all that I had thought, planned, or hoped. If it is not for us to know these things, then what is it that we can do with tomorrow when we get there?

My closest friends know that I love J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings because, in many ways, it is a contemporary retelling of the Gospel story. Philosopher Peter Kreeft gets at my questions by observing this connection between the lead character in The Lord of the Rings and us:

“We all, like Frodo, carry a Quest, a Task: our daily duties. They come to us, not from us. We are free only to accept or refuse our task—and, implicitly, our Taskmaster. None of us is a free creator or designer of his own life. ‘None of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself’ (Romans 14:7). Either God, or fate, or meaningless chance has laid upon each of us a Task, a Quest, which we would not have chosen for ourselves. We are all Hobbits who love our Shire, our security, our creature comforts, whether these are pipeweed, mushrooms, five meals a day, and local gossip, or Starbucks coffees, recreational sex, and politics. But something, some authority not named in The Lord of the Rings (but named in The Silmarillion), has decreed that a Quest should interrupt this delightful Epicurean garden and send us on an odyssey. We are plucked out of our Hobbit holes and plunked down onto a Road. That gives us our fundamental choice between obedience and disobedience. And if life is war, obedience is essential. It is the first virtue for a soldier” (Peter Kreeft, The Philosophy of Tolkien, pp. 204-205).

What are you having a hard time accepting right now? A challenging marriage? Graceless parents? The betrayal of a friend? A physical imperfection? A personality weakness? A dread disease? An impossible work situation? A flawed church? What would obedience to your Taskmaster look like in your day today? Is your heart ready to accept that? Or can you feel yourself pushing back?