When a Young Spouse Dies:
“I was so Unprepared…but God gives Grace”

Jon Hagen interviews Lori Larsen with Kristen Brooks

 

When tragedy rocks a person’s world, the cosmic suffering that follows does not by itself assure movement of a person toward God. There is always potential that adversity will move the afflicted away from or against God. Further, lingering aftershocks from the life-trembler can easily set off a cascade of faith-related questions for those caught in the trouble. It can take significant time and effort to dig through the rubble.

 

Faith is like a fault-line in a person’s heart, and when it is quaked we are able to peer in to see the depth and object of one’s confidence. Though many may proclaim a certain faith—maybe even in God and specifically in Christ—it’s when trouble comes that people discover the real object of that person’s faith as well as the strength and depth of that trust.

 

Last year, Lori Larsen’s thirty-one year-old husband died without notice. Leaving Lori with two young children, James’ death could not have hit a higher number on her Richter scale. It was a big quake, to be sure, and brought with it ongoing struggle; however, as you’ll see in the interview below, it did not shake loose the foundation Lori’s faith in God. We offer this interview in the hope that, even though you may waver under intense pressure, your faith, your confidence, your trust in Christ might not fail.

 

You contacted Grace Harbor earlier this year, asking for some help. What were the circumstances surrounding your requests?

 

Lori: My husband passed away unexpectedly. I have two small children—2 and 4 years old, and the 4 year old specifically was experiencing a lot of emotions like anger, and I initially wanted you to help her understand and cope with the fact that her Dad was gone.

My husband was 31, and we had just gotten home from a long vacation. Back at work he had played basketball at lunch, and then had a heart attack. We had no idea he had a heart condition. My thought right now is, ‘here today and gone tomorrow’. We don’t realize how true that statement can be.

 

Were there any particular struggles you had with God through all of this?

 

Lori: Definitely not early on. I really didn’t. I was relying on [God] so heavily—it wasn’t until 5-6 months in that I was starting to ask, Why? Is this really good? It’s hard to see when reality sets in, when life is overwhelming. I did have a short stint with anger, but it wasn’t manifested toward God. What I ponder most at this point is bitterness, but it’s not directed toward God because I believe this is part of God’s will. I’ve accepted His will and purpose. I don’t want to be bitter. The feelings are just the reality of my life right now. I can’t be angry at God because I don’t want my kids growing up angry at God because of this.

 

Early on after James’ death, what were the specific things you struggled with the most? And what specific things did people do in response that were the most helpful to you?

 

Lori: In retrospect, I struggled the most with motivation to take care of day-to-day things. I didn’t realize it back then, but I was completely unmotivated other than just getting through the day. Little things that were so important—like keeping the house spotless and picking up the toys every night—are not so important anymore. I’m just now coming out of that loss of motivation.

People cleaning my house was huge. People that came and did things without being asked was huge. Having meals brought in was huge. But really, it was the people that kept in touch even when I wasn’t keeping in touch, that didn’t give up when I didn’t return their calls but left a message or texted me. Things that didn’t require anything on my part was big. Some people left a message and said, “Don’t need to call me back” or “Feel free to call me when it’s late” was very helpful. Staying in touch really helped. I would tell people [who have a friend who have lost a spouse], “Don’t quit just because they don’t return your call.” The little things meant so much. You don’t really want to go out to lunch or talk to people. I got a little reclusive, I just read my Bible and prayed. I did talk to a friend who also lost a young husband, and that helped.

 

What things did people do that were not helpful in your situation?

 

Lori: People that were very close friends before never called; people you thought you would hear from dropped off. Nobody knows what to say or do—and some don’t do anything.

 

We’re coming up on the one year mark of James’ death. For others who have experienced the death of a spouse, what would you say to them in their grief?

 

Lori: As we get closer to the one year mark, it’s gotten harder. Early on you’re in shock, overwhelmed and busy. The 20th day of every month [James died on the 20th] for the first year was like another anniversary. That first year—it’s been month-by-month. Now I’m thinking, “What were we doing at this point last year?” James died two weeks after our youngest child was 2 years old, and now she’s almost 3. When I think back on that day, James was kind of a geek. He kept all our receipts from our vacation, and on the day we returned I put all those receipts on a spreadsheet to send to him as a joke, and he never got it—he was already dead. I tried to call him all afternoon, but never got him. When the call came from the coroner, he asked me to come to the emergency room. I thought it was a car accident. I went to critical care, thinking it was a major accident. My sister met me there. I remember praying, “Don’t let him be dead. Coma? Paralysis?” I was so unprepared for him being gone.

 

But God gives grace. God is good, and He’s going to take care of [those who lose a spouse]. He gives a special grace. It’s the only way you can cope. For people without the Lord, I have no idea how they make it. It says in the Bible that God takes special care of widows, and He really does. For a while, you’re numb, but He’s taking care of me. I sometimes wonder, “Shouldn’t I be struggling more?” The emotions do come, but God is there. There’s no way you can do it without Him. You’re in a fog, but there’s a closeness, too, that’s just amazing. It’s hard to explain just how strong His presence is. [My daughters and I] read Job this morning in our daily reading, and came to where it says that God gives and God takes away. It’s true.

 

You are the mother of two young children, and you initially asked if I’d be willing to meet with them. My response was that I’d prefer to equip you as the parent for the long-haul, rather than have you bring them to an expert. What did that mean to you?

 

Lori: I hadn’t thought of that approach, but when you brought that up it was perfect. I was nervous about someone meeting with my daughter, and your approach allows me to prepare for helping my younger child when she has difficulty too. This made much more sense to me. It was a better solution.

 

What were your big-picture concerns? And what did we discuss here that was most helpful? How are the kids doing today?

 

Lori: My oldest daughter’s anger. She didn’t know how to handle or process everything that was going on. She’s four, and she has all this on her—fear, anger. I was dealing with it, too. The best thing you shared was the diagrams you drew for us. We still look at it and we talk about the good fruit or the bad fruit, and how do we want to respond. We ask, “How does Jesus help us respond, even when we do bad?”

 

My girls are playing soccer now, and when the other kids’ Dads show up it really sinks in for my kids—especially my 4 year old—that her Dad is gone. She misses her Dad—a lot. She’ll ask me, ‘Why did my Dad have to die?’ It’s going to take time—for all of us.

 

Not surprisingly, some of the extended family involvement has created problems for you in the way they’ve dealt with James’ death. What have you learned to do, Biblically speaking, in response to them?

 

Lori: Everybody mourns differently, and you have to respect that. I’ve learned that both with my family and my in-laws. What I have to remember is that even when things are crazy and busy and I’m struggling, God knows everyone’s heart—their motives. And ultimately, everybody loved James. Even though everyone does it differently, their motive was love. God’s ways are better than our ways, and I just have to trust that He’s in control. When people do things that I don’t think are right, I can’t control it but God can. I should just tame my tongue, and pray, and leave it up to God. It’s not going to do anyone any good to have a big confrontation. God knows their heart, and I don’t, so I just need to try to love them for who they are. And that’s not always easy.

 

When you first contacted me, I also asked that you bring another lady with you from your church as a support. How has that worked?

 

Lori: It’s been good. I initially wondered, Who would I bring so that it wouldn’t be a burden to someone? But at church, I was looking around and saw Kristen, and went up and asked her. We were friends, but not really close. It seemed like a perfect fit. She didn’t even have to think about it.

 

Kristen, what have you learned through meeting with Lori?

 

Kristen: I was very happy Lori asked me. It’s been good for me to sit in on our meetings and get the tools to help me talk to people and work with my own family. It’s also helped personally, and to get to know Lori’s heart better.

 

Tell us about what has happened in your lady’s Bible study at your church.

 

Lori: There are now five widows. When we started, three months after James died, there were two older women who were already widows. One of them was widowed young, though, and left with four young children. And she was a great help to me. Then a friend of mine who is also a widow asked if she could join. That brought our widow number to four. Then a month into the second semester, one of the other ladies in the group lost her husband unexpectedly to a heart attack and left her with two small children like me. It was just amazing how the Lord put us all together, and how we needed each other.

 

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“It was just amazing how the Lord put us all together, and how we needed each other.” That realization of Lori’s expresses well the reality of Grace Harbor’s ability to supply soul care to people who are, for various reasons, in need of help. For nearly fifteen years now, the Lord has put Grace Harbor and hurting people together with others like you who believe in what we’re doing because, in the end, we all need one another.

 

If you’re at a place where you are able, would you please consider helping Grace Harbor with your financial support? A gift of any amount would be a real help to us; that, in turn, will allow us to keep pressing forward with more care for those who are seeking it. Thanks so much for considering it!