The Misery and the Mercy, the Grief and the Grace: One Man’s Odyssey as a Victim of Sexual Abuse

by Jon Hagen, with “Trey”

 

 

Nothing rouses stronger and deeper emotions than learning of a child who’s been abused. When I met Trey (not his real name) a little more than a year ago, it was in the context of taking a group of men through a course I had designed for those who were struggling with habits of sexual misbehavior. Not only was Trey responsive to the ten-week class, he pursued individual meetings with me that continued for some time after the coursework ended. It was in those individual meetings with Trey that I learned more of his story—his story of being sexually abused as a youth.

 

While the Church can be silent on the subject of abuse in all its forms, mercifully the Scripture is not. Victims of sexual abuse need to know that God is not blind to their suffering, that no one more than He is angered by such evil and violence, and that in Christ there is a way to move forward from brokenness to wholeness. That one man sins against another in wicked ways is not surprising; that God would choose to redeem us out of that sin by paying for it with the death of His own righteous Son is what’s shocking.

 

One place where God speaks to this is Psalm 129: “Many times from my earliest youth my enemies greatly persecuted me. Let all Israel repeat this: many times from my earliest youth my enemies greatly persecuted me, but they have never defeated me. My back is covered with cuts as if a farmer had plowed long furrows. But the LORD is good; he has cut me free from the ropes of the ungodly” (vv. 1-4). While this passage refers back to Israel’s formative years of slavery in Egypt when she was abused, and anticipates what will happen to Israel’s Messiah and the abuse He will suffer, this passage also echoes the experience of any youth being violated in today’s world. Whether it was a young Israel, the innocent Christ, or a child today, none of these had done anything to warrant the repeated abuse they received (though an “older” Israel certainly received discipline for later sins she had done). Yet in all of the ruin, the ropes of oppression can be cut and the course of history can be changed. This is both the reality and the hope of a Redeemer.

 

This is also Trey’s experience. What follows is an interview I had with Trey that he is willing to share with you. Our prayer is that all of this—the misery and the mercy, the grief and the grace, the trial and the truth—will in some way help you, or someone you know, who has also been abused at the hands of sinners.

 

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As a participant in that ten-week Quest for Purity group, what were your initial personal hopes for being in that class?

I think that one of my goals was to continue to grow in knowledge and equip me further to battle lust—to be intentional in pursuing a lifestyle of purity in the wake of having a lifestyle of porn in past years. One of my other desires was to help other men who had similar struggles as I understand all too well the pain and destruction of my lifestyle of being enslaved to lust and the sins that go with that.

What were some of the highlights for you from the Quest for Purity meetings?

Understanding better the roots of sin and the roots of grace. An affirmation that fighting this sin requires a community of other brothers and believers. A further understanding that my heart is a factory for a lot of this sin, and taking the time to examine my heart. Behavior modification can be helpful—being careful about what we’re watching—but that real change comes in the heart. One of the things you said in the very first meeting was, What’s the worst thing we can know about each other (that we’re sinners), allowed me to think that my past did not include some kind of super-sin that could not be overcome—it gave me some spiritual confidence that I could go farther in dealing with my sin.

Tell us about the difference between the two kinds of churches you’ve experienced, and how those differences affected your ability to deal with sexual sins:

Most of my adult church life has been centered around congregations where the more holy and righteous a person was the more they belonged in that community. Therefore, doing the right things to make you look good, saying the right things (and that certainly would NOT include the discussion of anyone’s problems) was critical.

 

As such, I never developed many pastoral or other connections that encouraged me to deal with current of past sins, and I never felt there would have been grace to work through any of this.

In my current church there is a recognition of our need for Christ, for the Gospel to be present in every aspect of our lives.

 

As such, I believe both the pastors and the ministries of the church welcome people with burdens, with sin, with problems, to bring those forward and receive encouragement, help, and even admonishment. To face the sin and difficulties that are in our lives and find hope that life change is possible through Christ. The church is committed to loving people through that even though it can be a messy process, and seeing examples of that modeled to me was a huge encouragement to me.

So as a result of those group meetings, you became aware that maybe you needed to address some things individually that were as yet unresolved. What were you hoping would result from our individual meetings?

One was to be able to talk openly and seek counsel and understanding for what I deemed to be very painful and burdensome parts of my past that continue to haunt me regularly. I wanted to see if there were ways to seek healing from this. What kind of healing was possible? I drug this around for more than 30 years from early childhood without ever talking to anyone about being sexually abused and understanding the impact this had on my life.

If you can, could you share a little of how you were first violated and eventually exposed to porn?

My parent’s relationship was not good—there was a lot of arguing, yelling, screaming. There were very few peaceful days in our house. As a result, I never felt very close to either of my parents and was probably even afraid of them. Therefore, much of my desire as a child was to be out of the house rather than in it. I didn’t receive much affection, love, and that created a void where I wanted those things.

 

When I was 6 years old, I was abused by an older teen in my neighborhood while we were playing at his house, and I never said anything to my parents or anyone else after this happened. My being scared about the entire incident, not to mention the craziness of my home, led me to never mention that to anyone. Unfortunately, this kind of incident repeated itself with this same guy and then others for another 4 to 5 years. By the time I reached 6th grade, there had been multiple incidents with multiple individuals. I didn’t know what to do about it, or who to talk to. In many of these exchanges or situations, I was given pornography as a reward for participating in these activities.

 

Funny enough, I had to pack up the porn and take it to school when my family moved. That collection of porn as I moved into my teen years became a false sense of comfort and family intimacy. I had trouble forming relationships with guys because of this, and the porn was in many ways just a pleasurable escape from the pain that was in my life.

In retrospect, what did that broken sexual activity do to your thoughts regarding yourself and your relationship with God and others?

On the porn piece, my use of porn as an adult came after a time of disruption and chaos and change. One of the things that porn provided during that time, like during the teen years, was comfort and pain-numbing escape. My three triggers were intimacy-seeking, a way to deal with anxiety and worry, and also an outlet of anger when I felt like God had done me wrong. I know that porn was a form of rebellion against my confusion.

 

The porn was very isolating because I was not in an encouraging church environment. I spent years in seclusion with this—like Adam hiding in the garden. I never shared it with my wife. But the pain and the burden of that kept getting deeper and deeper because I knew the amount of time I was giving to it, and the type of porn I was looking at worsened month by month. So it felt like I was living in a hopeless hell—that I could never get out. I was carrying a burden of knowing that it was affecting my marriage and family, but I couldn’t figure out a way on my own to come out of it. At the outer reaches of the darkness I was in, it pushed me toward having suicidal thoughts at my worst moments—it seemed like my only way out at times. By God’s grace, I never sought a physical relationship outside my marriage, but clearly the lines of adultery had been crossed and that was contributing to my very depressive state.

 

The pain of living in that darkness and still trying to function daily is a hard mask or costume to wear. It was all beginning to pervade my life. The blessings in my life were turning to burdens. How can you show genuine affection to your wife, children and coworkers when you’re living in this den of sin? The thing about sexual sin is that it’s not a singular sin—it’s a form of idolatry, adultery, coveting, the mask of lies that we parade around in to cover it up—it’s loaded with layers and layers of darkness.

What counsel would you give to parents who desire to raise children who are sexually whole as they enter marriage? From your perspective, what can and should parents be doing to teach their children about sex without getting paranoid about it?

 

Foundationally, before you can even talk to your children about sex, you have to have a relationship with them. They aren’t going to listen to you if you haven’t taken the time with them, with being intentional with them. You can’t just walk in and unload this on them—it needs to be part of an ongoing part of a relationship with them. If there’s not a commitment from the get-go, the child won’t respond.

 

Like what you’ve said, I believe that talking about sex should not be a one-time conversation but something that’s ongoing. With my children, I carried a big burden to make sure they never were trapped like I was growing up, so I created an environment where we could talk about sex-related things safely and carefully—dealing with the possibilities of someone violating you.

 

Parents need to help their children understand that sexuality is a God-given gift, and that it needs to be talked about—changes in their bodies, the realities of sexual temptations, not hiding from that but using the many resources that are out there to do so. As parents we don’t come equipped to do that, so we need to use those resources in that journey.

 

During our individual meetings, what has happened or what have you learned and experienced that has made the most impact on you?

Thinking back to the verses we started with in First Peter 5:4-10, some of the things that have been really helpful is learning that God’s desire has been for me to be restored—one of the things is that this has been a journey for God’s redeeming work. I really believe that Christ came to set us free from the chains and burdens of sin and its shame and guilt, and He can do that in this situation—and He has. Both you and a friend said to me coming into this is that I would come out stronger by dealing with some of the demons of my past. Christ suffered significantly, He has walked a road of suffering, carrying the mocking and the rejection, He understands what it is to be isolated by others, but He took it on willingly. As part of His Lordship in my life, He is willing to take on my burdens for me—a better understanding of the Gospel and where it fits in my life—my past and guilt and shame, that Christ wants to bear my burdens for me that were trapped in my heart for so long. I didn’t choose to have my sexual past, but Christ didn’t ask for his abuse either.

 

When Peter refers to the devil seeking those whom he can devour—but I have Christ, I don’t have to allow myself to be burdened by this. I have found freedom and comfort to talk with you about these things without being judged by you—I can speak the truth, and still receive love and encouragement from you in this room.

 

The other thing that was really powerful through your help was learning to talk to God about all of this. I had never specifically asked God to heal me in some of these specific ways—to release some of these painful memories, to place them in the context of what Christ has done for me at the cross.

We spent some time discussing Dan Allender’s book, The Wounded Heart. Was there anything specifically that grew out of that material that was particularly helpful to you?

 

One of the things was recognizing that I was carrying some guilt for some things that I didn’t need to be carrying around. For example, in the very first incidences of abuse, I needed to clarify my role and in some sense my lack of personal responsibility for those times. For many years I didn’t want to let go of what was done to me

 

He allowed me to recognize that I still did have areas of my life that I did need to address, like my attitudes of anger, disappointment, and anger toward my abusers, anger towards God for not having a better family, and also just hate for many of the people who were actively and passively involved in all of this. I was unwilling to think that Christ could forgive them.

 

Looking this straight in the eye—no sugar coating, standing in the face of what had happened, and then just give it back to God. If I’m in Christ I am no longer chained or burdened to this—that He has given me the strength, courage and hope to continue dealing with this as it may resurface.

 

Because of the nature of sin, and sexual sin in particular, we fully expect there to be ongoing battles in your life. How do you plan to continue working through this?

First and foremost, God’s given me his Word and I have to claim the truth and stand on it, that if we are in Christ we are not enslaved to our sin and our past. We are given strength to carry on. Secondly, he has given us the gift of community that will continue to stand by to support, encourage, and hold accountable. That’s a huge part of this for me. Another part of this is grace in my marriage. My wife has heard my story, given me grace and forgiveness and encouragement to move on. What could have been the end of my marriage has turned into yet another way in which God shows He’s in the business of redeeming severely broken lives. My wife’s understanding of the cross is so great that she could be willing to love and seek with me the redemption we need and is still needed in our marriage.

During our meetings, one of the things you struggled with was whether or not you should try to talk to one of your high school friends who violated you. What moved you to eventually decide to try to arrange meeting with him? And what was the hoped-for outcome of wanting to meet?

As I began to understand all of the implications that my past had had, I became very burdened. My child abuse was something I had never talked to anyone about. One of my worries was that this offender had no way to talk about his life, and I was burden for his soul and wanting to reach out to him but also to own my role and complicit ways of what had happened in those high school years.

 

I felt burned from my conversations with you that we are called to be Christ’s ambassadors, and if he had been burdened like I had, I wanted him to know the hope I had found.

Obviously, you were anxious about such a meeting. What were the various scenarios you thought might happen as a result of meeting with him?

Worst case scenario would be that he might still have the sort of lifestyle pattern that included sexual desire for deviant violation. From my standpoint, having to process that and react to that was one of my biggest fears. My other fear was that he would not want to discuss any of this, and therefore my hope of being able to even share what God had done in my own heart would be stifled. The best outcome would be to share what God had done in my heart and that we could have some conversation about what had happened in our past and make some peace with that.

In reality, what did happen in that meeting? What has come of it?

It was a difficult conversation to get started. There was some hesitancy on his part to talk about this—he wanted to sweep it under the rug and move on since it was in the past. By God’s grace, some conversation was able to occur, in particular, my sharing what God has done in my life and heart. The opportunity for me to express sorrow for any pain that I may have caused him, and ask for grace and forgiveness for making some bad choices on my part not to stop the sinful behavior.

 

I feel that I was obedient to the Spirit’s lead to have this conversation. I believe that I needed to follow the call to have a discussion that would bring a spirit of reconciliation and peace to another dark piece of my past. The conversation ended with encouragement and grace, and the possibility for future conversation as needed. I had this sort of fantasy conversation in my mind where it all went well, but there was also no anger or anything like that. The ball is in his court right now, and I don’t know if there are other things in his life that God wants him to wrestle out. But I’m willing to talk more if he ever wishes to.

On the ninety minute drive to go meet him, another thought came to your mind regarding your past. It had to do with your old neighborhood. What was your thought, and what did you do about it?

The burden that came was to come face to face with my past, knowing that I had no way to contact or find the older men who had abused me as a child. I felt a huge burden from the Holy Spirit to face the monsters of my past that were held in the space of my childhood neighborhood. By driving into that neighborhood—which I hadn’t been into in decades—and then pulling up to that first house where abuse occurred, I was saying that I had a Savior who was bigger than any pain, than any burdens, shame or guilt, that was related to those memories. The Scripture tells us in Christ that we are free from being enslaved to sin and struggle, and to be able to say a prayer for the first time in the space of where my abuse had occurred and fully give it to God, knowing that He loves me deeply—it was something on the order of being able to step away and know that I’m free from that past, and that He loves me so dearly that I’m not defined by my past—I’m defined by Christ. I don’t have the words to fully describe what happened, but it was one of the most powerful moments in my walk with God—of bricks and burdens falling off my back—thinking of Jesus wanting me to cast my burdens on Him, that He’s bigger than all of that.

Any closing thoughts you’d like to share?

 

Number one, if God is burdening someone that it’s time to confess sin or deal with issues from your past, then bring it into the light. It will be scary—there will be moments of doubt and anxiety, there will be things working against you. But what your biggest surprise may be is that there will be people that God has placed in your life that will love, encourage, and support you through it. I had to overcome my fear of rejection and fear that somehow my moving forward will make all of this worse than better—but God’s grace is bigger than that. With Godly help, there are means that God provides to work on these areas.

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God, knowing what sinful man would do to fellow men of even the most innocent among them, did more than write a book about it; God sent His perfectly innocent Son into the world to glorify Himself at the hands of sinful abusers. The Son of God suffered and died so that both the abuser and the abused might have the hope of a life free from the bonds of sin. Even today, people in slavery to sin and its effects need more than books to deal with their pain—they need people who can enter their world of sin and shame in order to incarnate the mercy, grace and truth of Jesus Christ.

 

It is Grace Harbor’s deepest desire and focused objective to help people like Trey come to know and experience the liberty that comes from taking our cares to Christ. It is to God’s eternal glory to pay for people’s sins; it is to our eternal joy to experience His redemption. If you would like to meet at Grace Harbor to work through your own experience, we would be privileged to do that with you.